So now we go deeper. Today I met Troy Roper III, who does this "crazy" thing called AtlasPROfilax. Look it up if you want to know more, or await a future post in which I will explain. For now, it is enough to know I have seen him for my back pain and spasms and part of my assignment is to journal...about my pain, and about any significant losses over the last couple of years I may not have worked though.
I lost Chester when I was about 4 months pregnant. Chester my cat, who had been with me though thick and thin, literally. When I first got him, I wasn't sure what to make of him. I love animals. He came highly recommended by a friend who boasted of his giant size his long black fur his friendly trusting manner...his name was aptly given, Titan, and when I met him my impression was, OK, a giant black cat. But I had a lot of peer pressure to take him, as he had been a stray and had lived in several temporary homes. The guy needed some stability, and so I said OK.
I took him home, along with food and bowls and catnip mice. He checked out his litter box, ate a little food, then went on my bed to sleep. No hiding under the bed for this bold feline. But I felt detached from him. He was, like the cats I grew up with, pretty independent and not terribly interested in me, in cuddling, which I admit I wanted to do so bad...such a huge fluffy soft cat, who wouldn't?
But within a few weeks, he started greeting me at the door. He and I would have "conversations," him staring up at me and meowing at one another. Oh, the cat hair was awful, but hde made up for it in charm. It took some time but it wasn't long and we were cuddling on the couch to watch movies and he insisted on sleeping on the bed with me at night.
He went through some tough times with me. I had a boyfriend at the time who was pretty neglectful and manipulative. We would have some awful arguments which consisted of me trying to communicate my feelings and him shutting down and walking away, not even answering or returning my call for days, the price I paid for even the slightest criticism. It was very tormenting to me. One particular occasion he just left in spite of my pleas to stay and talk to me about it, and I was reduced to sobs on my couch. Chester stood by me and looked at me so intently, I picked him up and laid him on his back on my lap so I could just cry into his belly. He let me cry like that until I was done.
There were good times too. Moving to a new apartment, he showed the same confidence he displayed the first day I took him home. It started to seem like to each other home was where the other one was. Until I met Gabe he shared me with nobody, and Gabe though he was so cool I could take Chester with me to his place since we spent most of our time there anyway. Once I couldn't find him. I was so scared! But he was just stuck behind the washer and dryer, quietly waiting for someone to rescue him.
Eventually all the moving took it's toll. He went cross country in the car with my Dad and I and lived with my parents while Gabe and I lived in an apartment in DC which didn't allow cats. It was a hard time for me. I missed my Utah friends, my Starbucks job sucked, and winter in DC is just awful. Naturally I missed Chester, my constant companion, my comfort.
We took him back when we bought a house in Pennsylvania, and he loved the staircase, and the sunroom where he could watch birds. I hated Penn, though, and we moved back to SLC. I know Chester missed his sunroom. At the condo we had huge windows and pidgeons, but there was not a lot of fresh air and sunlight he enjoyed before.
We got our new house a couple years ago, and he could actually go outside. Unable to scale the fence, he still had plenty of bushes and trees to sit under and grass and dirt to roll in. He perked right up again. But time was running out for my little guy.
Gabe and I had been trying to get pregnant for awhile, and we finally did. I remember thinking how much I loved Chester, and how just being pregnant wasn't enough for me to feel a bond for my baby. I wondered if I would get as tired of being a Mom as I tired of babysitting. I've babysat some amazing kids but I was still relieved when I could go home again. I would not have the same advantages with my own baby. I had to trust I would love my baby enough, that I would become a good Mom. Meantime, I was very nausous my first trimester, and sadly had to kick Chester out of our room as sleep was precious and he had a habit of sometimes meowing at night.
May, and Chester started to slow down, then, one Sunday, he spent all day under a bush outdoors. I knew something was wrong, maybe a tummy bug. The next day I had work as a substitute teacher, but Gabe stopped home to check on Chester and though he was awake he was not moving on his own. Gabe and our roomate took him to the vet, and I met them there after work.
Chester was diagnosed with diabetes. He was still very sick and getting insulin, but we had every reason to think he would get better. It is sad now to remember how I worried about the cost...how much would it be to keep him alive? But Gabe said it didn't matter.
On the other hand, I couldn't stop crying, feeling like this was all my fault. He had lost a lot of weight quickly and I put off taking him to the vet. I had no idea how much I would come t regret that.
A night at the vet and he was no better. His organs were shutting down. The vet didn't know what to tell us at all. So we kept going. He was in a metal cage, barely noticing what was happening around him, IV's in his furry legs. I petted him and he lifted his head to me. I knew it was bad. I knew we'd waited too long, but I hoped he would come back so we kept him there. I talked to him. I told him I needed him to get better if he could, that I loved him, that he was everything to me. But I also said if it was his time I didn't want him to hold on and suffer for my sake, that he had given me so much and that I would always love him and be grateful that we had been put together. I said I was sorry for being angry at him for breaking a dish that had some tempting tuna left on it, or any other time I was angry with him for anything (he did drive me crazy sometimes). That when he get better he could play in our yard and watch the birds, but if he didn't we would miss him and love him forever...it was awful, I cried so much.
Gabe and I had tickets to see U2. I had been talking up how amazing their shows are. Gabe likes U2 but he is not the fan I am. I promised him he would be impressed. It was an incredible show, and I am glad we went. But every song cut through my heart as I thought about Chester alone at night at the vet, waiting for life, or death.
The next morning we had a call at 7 am. Chester had passed in the night. Gabe held me and I cried, I don't know for how long. Eventually I ran out of energy and Gabe took a shower, where he cried. It was a terrible morning, it was the worst thing that had ever happened to me. I questioned whether I was a good owner to Chester, and was afraid to ask Gabe what he thought. I knew I wasn't perfect, who is? But Chester, an animal, innocent, dependent, deserved better than my neglect of his health, of being kicked out of the bedroom for reasons he couldn't understand. Or worse, maybe he did, maybe he thought the baby was taking his place. I was haunted by every time I was not good to him.
I must have cried daily for weeks. A few people felt the need to remind me I was pregnant and needed to take care of myself for the baby. kind of annoying really. Pregnancy just happens no matter what you do in a way. Then again, at the time, the baby was so abstract. If a cat could live forever, I would have traded him and not had any children. Hard to admit that, not something I would want Jane to know now, but that is how it felt then.
I asked Gabe if he thought Chester could have reincarnated and is my baby now. Sweet Gabe, I doubt he even believes in reincarnation but he said "yeah, sure!" It may have helped me move on a bit, to not cry every day, to look forward to the new baby again. But I was always sad he would not be there for the birth. When I imagined my home birth he was always there. Curious about the tub of water, but wary enough not to fall in. Close to me when he sensed the hard parts. Sleeping and eating and purring but always aware of one another like we always were. But he wasn't there.
I love Jane, it was instant. My love for Chester grew, but was just as intense in many ways. Chester taught me how fleeting our relationships can be, how to love and respect those who depend on us, how to allow one another to just be themselves. I always felt like Chester and I molded to each other, we changed each other and we adjusted ourselves to fit together better. That is how it has felt with Jane, too. I don't force anything on her, I listen to her, but I am not a martyr either. I think a lot of my relationships are like that. You can't change people. That is hard to accept at first. When you want control and someone tells you you can only control yourself, it can really piss you off. But when you accept it, it is really freedom. The easiest person to control is your own self, and to know you can't control others takes you off the hook to be responsible for what other people do to you or themselves or others. The next step is to observe, but I am a doer, so I prefer to experience. I try things, if they work I go with it, if it doesn't I try something else, but in any case it's all about trying to get along in the world with different people and not sweating it if everyone doesn't just adore you. You can have an effect on others, but you also allow them to affect you. It feels good. It feels harmonious. That is how I felt about Chester. Overall, we lived in harmony. I carry that into my friendships and my relationship with Gabe and now with Jane. I am not out to control something as complex as a new human person, who has never experienced anything but a warm womb, never feeling hungry or gassy or lonely, or helpless against gravity, haha.
That's all I have to say today about my amazing cat, and how he lives on every day in the way that I approach my life. I love you Chester, always and forever.
