A Mother's Love

Today I'd like to say a few things about the birth of my daughter, Jane.
Have you ever seen that movie "Waitress?"  Dear Baby...I feel connected to you and yet sometimes I worry I won't fall in love with you right away.  I mostly enjoy the idea of becoming your mother.  I know you are a strong wonderful innocent and amazing person growing in me.  But I have done a lot of babysitting and child care, and no matter how much I love these children (and I have loved them very much) I am always glad to get home again, on my own.
In the movie Waitress, I always had a hard time believing that for all that she was disappointed in being pregnant, seeing as she was in a dead end job and married to an abusive self absorbed jerk, that at the end the moment she held that baby in her arms she finally got the courage to tell her husband to get lost.  Literally, she looked in that baby's eyes, the baby she didn't really want, that stressed her out from beginning to end, and fell in love and the first words out of her mouth were to tell her husband never to come near her or her baby again.  It was the beginning of motherhood.
Now, I have a wonderful husband, and I wanted very badly to get pregnant, and I wondered how it would be to love this baby like that.  I honestly thought that the scene at the end was rather unrealistic.  That is until it happened to me.
Again I did not have the problems she had.  But seeing Jane for the first time...Dr. Voss showing her to us in all her bloody glory, her purple face, I fell instantly in love.  Instant.  It didn't grow, it couldn't grow, it filled my whole heart and soul.  And I could see how even if your life was pretty hard that you could still have the same experience.

Dr. Voss showing Jane to my husband and I (hidden behind the blue curtain) for the first time.

I know not everyone experiences that.  I don't think it makes women bad mothers not to.  It just happens right away, or it takes time, or a little of both.  Some women sadly never feel that way. I just know that it is real, it does happen.  Some will tell you it was all the unmedicated labor that allowed the natural flow of hormones right up until they (or rather, I) ordered the c-section.  Some will say it helped as well that our surgeon was sensitive enough to show her to us instead of whisking her away immediately to the nursery.  I know plenty of women who waited, not minutes, but hours to see their babies, let alone hold them and smell them.  Some of these women still feel that immediate love and attachment anyway, others take more time.  I can see how time might affect the way you feel when you do eventually get to see your baby.  But even if you did go all natural, and had a vaginal birth, you still may not feel it for all I know.  I was lucky, it did happen to me, and it was the most wonderful feeling.   It completely floored me.  It was like nothing else I have ever known or felt in my life.  My love of Gabe comes closest.  Even though with him it was not "love at first sight" like Jane it is a love that has grown so strong over time, that grew stronger than I could ever know through the love of the baby we made together.

The second time I saw Jane, while they stitched me up.

And through all this crap with my back, which I am certain if nothing else would not be happening had I not had a baby, it is still worth bringing that wonderful little person into the world.  It breaks my heart into a million pieces all the time I can't be with her and care for her because of the pain, but I would never trade her to have my own health back.  I know this won't kill me, but it has made me realize that through her I feel immortal, something I had heard about, and I was also skeptical of.  But I get it now.  I'd like to live long enough to see her grow into a mature enough person that I can be assured she is well cared for and capable of caring for herself, but in what I hope is the long run, death is not as scary as it once was.

I know the secrets of the Universe....

I love being a Mom.  I know it will be hard, has already been very hard, and it is also the most terrifying thing I've experienced...she is literally my heart and soul walking around outside of myself, and I have never loved or worried as much in my life (Gabe a close second).  But I have also never felt so much joy.  Seeing her face I remember all over again what it was like to fall in love at first sight.  I can't wait to be surprised more in the future.